At risk of seeming ungrateful, we kindly request that you leave these off your shopping list.
Ball retrievers
I once played behind an already sloth-like group when I arrived on a hole to see two guys with their long-arm retrievers fishing for balls – less than 100 metres from the tee. Retrievers are pace-of-play disasters because how many times have you seen someone find a ball and then keep casting? Please, don’t enable this kind of behaviour. – Tod Leonard
Potty Putter
Who doesn’t want to practise one and two-footers while going one and two? Of course, this little green that wraps around your toilet and accompanying mini-putter are designed for a quick laugh rather than actual use, but save everyone the clutter. – Drew Powell
Hats that try too hard
Many years ago, my parents bought me a hat from St Andrews. Great! Bless them, but this was the ugliest hat I’ve ever seen. It had six clubs jammed onto the front, spilling over onto the brim. Worse, it was two-toned, with a beige brim that felt like, well, felt. It goes without saying that I never wore it (sorry, Mum and Dad). My buying tip for golf hats? Keep it subtle and understated. – Alex Myers
Personalised golf balls
Think of me as Dr Rick from those infomercials: I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m just trying to help you. Do we really need novelty golf balls that say, “I love golf!”? No, we don’t. Take a page from my wife who killed it last year. She knew I needed a new travel bag, so she reached out to a colleague of mine to secure an appropriate one. If you’re not a golfer, get some assistance when buying golf gifts. It will turn “Oh, that’s nice,” into “You’re the absolute best!” – E. Michael Johnson
Too-small towels
Any towel with a little brass ring clip is basically useless. These glorified napkins collect at the bottoms of car boots and lockers because they’re half the size a golf towel should be. The big, shining moment for a golf towel is when it’s taken to the green to clean a ball before an important putt. But like a clumsy and cowardly soldier, these self-defeating bi-folds hang back tethered, even tripping the bag’s legs. – Max Adler
Trick golf balls
For years, the gag was simply exploding balls that were reduced to powder at impact. But the technology has, ahem, advanced to the point where we now have unputtable balls, jet streaming balls and phantom balls that turn into mist instead of dust. Who buys this stuff beyond those heading to a clown convention? – T.L.
Score counters
I’ll say the tough part out loud: if you’re taking so many shots that you’re struggling to keep track, that’s totally OK, but give yourself some grace and ease up on the counting. Gift-givers: don’t encourage such strict arithmetic for those just starting in golf. – D.P.
Photograph by getty images/STEPHEN DENTON
