It is perhaps one of the enduring golf memes of our time. It features a clip from “The Hangover,” starring Zach Galifianakis, who plays the character Alan in the all-time great comedy. In the clip, an old man walks up to Alan at the gas station to compliment his car, and Alan immediately snipes back “Don’t touch it… Don’t even look at it. Go on. Get out.”
In the golf context, the video is generally used with the caption “when someone goes to pick up your ball in another fairway,” a classic scenario we’ve all found ourselves in, even pre-COVID. Though, as one reader, Tim from Eagan, Mn., writes, he’s noticed it happening much more recently, both at home and in his travels.
Hi Chris,
This year I have experienced more than ever the infuriating phenomenon of the “lost ball.” Sometimes it is lost from the middle of the fairway, sometimes it even gets lost before my eyes. If I am close enough, I alert the offender that it is my ball, move along. Recently after two rounds in a row of it happening, I held an informal poll of three other golfers. They confirmed it is not just me; this behavior is on the rise in the area where we play golf. But not just here, I recently traveled to another state with some famous courses, I found the same behavior there as well. Maybe Scramble is everyone’s new favorite game, and they are not paying much attention – I can only guess. Beyond the obvious gripe about “this ain’t the golf I grew up playing”, I would appreciate your thoughts on handling one particular situation.
When you see your ball taken but you’re not there to stop it, how do you handle it?
This is a fantastic topic, Tim. Just to slightly push back, this is something that has always happened, at public courses especially, during my 20-plus years of playing golf. But I don’t doubt you’ve noticed more of late. And what makes it so good is that we’ve all been both the victim AND the guilty party in this scenario. Anyone who says differently is lying.
I, for one, have watched in agony after blocking one into another fairway, waiting for my playing partners to tee off, and seeing someone from 265 yards away roll up in their cart, extend their arm down and inspect my golf ball. Even if they don’t steal it, I still feel violated. I’ve also seen a ball that isn’t mine (or anyone’s in my group) buried in the thick rough on the hole I’m on, searched far and wide for anyone on a nearby hole whose ball it could be, and told myself it’s up for grabs. I’m not proud of it, but we all understand the feeling of not being able to resist a free ProV1x. Especially one with a cool number on it. Like 64 or 81. Ooo! We got a custom job here boys!
That said, any time I’ve ever done it, I immediately feel the bad karma. And those are the moments I swear off EVER touching a ball that’s possibly in play for someone else, even if it’s someone I can’t currently see from 300-plus yards away. It’s the classic “do unto others as you would have them do to you” situation. I hit the ball wildly off-line sometimes, too, and I want to always have a chance to still find it as long as it’s in bounds.
As Tim writes, when those moments inevitably happen, how do you handle it? There’s usually two scenarios that play out: A. You didn’t see your ball get stolen, or B. You did, but the person who took it is so far away that it’s (almost) impossible to stop.
In bucket A, the most likely scenario is that you’ve hit a blind shot, or simply weren’t paying full attention on the drive or walk up to your ball and didn’t notice someone taking it. In this (very frustrating) case, you sort of just have to live with it. A total hit-and-run, but with no cops to call. If the rest of the group is OK with it, and you all agree on a reasonable spot, simply drop where you believe it was and play your next shot with no penalty. This is assuming you aren’t playing in an official event, of course. If it’s a casual round, yes it sucks to lose an expensive ball when you clearly hit it in play, but if you never saw who did it, there’s not much you can do. If you’re playing for money and someone wants to give you a hard time about it actually being a “lost ball” by the definition of the Rules, then that’s their prerogative. With people like that, you have to be a Rules stickler right back to them when the time comes and see how they like it (they won’t).
In bucket B — you can see someone stealing your ball from miles away — I’m a huge proponent of screaming at the top of your lungs to deter them. It could be a “HEY,” it could be a “DON’T TOUCH IT” a la Alan from “The Hangover,” or it could be a “THAT’S NOT YOUR BALL” for all I care. People need to know it’s not OK to be scooping balls that could be in play for someone else, even if it’s a fairway or two over.
A good rule is to just assume it’s always someone else’s ball who is in the middle of a round. You have your own ball, go play that. If shouting doesn’t work, I fully endorse driving or walking over to the person and calmly confronting them. Most people will sheepishly admit they did take it and give it back. The ones that don’t and deny what you saw with your own eyes don’t deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us. But they are the ones who have to look in the mirror at a fraud every morning. If you need a free ball that badly, you can go dumpster diving in the woods or a dried up hazard that’s full of them. You don’t need to be taking any that are a few yards off the fairway.
There’s also the most unfortunate scenario of all – you can’t find your ball that was clearly in play and no one stole it. This happens, too, particularly when you’re in thick rough. Some people play the “gallery rule” (pretending you’re on the PGA Tour and the gallery would have helped you find it), but that’s a big-time #shrink for me, as it’s definitely abused by guys who shoot 105 yet somehow end up with an 89 on their scorecard.
Let’s all just stop picking up balls in bounds that aren’t ours and making sure you’re watching your own ball at all times and having a good line on it. If we all do that, lost balls will still happen, but they’ll be much easier to live with.
Do you have a “stupid” golf problem? A question you’re too ashamed to ask your close friends? A conundrum that needs to be talked out in a public forum? We’re here to help. If you have etiquette-related inquiries or just want to know how to handle some of the unique on- or off-course situations we all find ourselves in, please let us know. You can email me ([email protected]) or send me a DM on Twitter/X (@Cpowers14) or on Instagram (@cpthreeve).
This article was originally published on golfdigest.com
