For a group that prioritizes decorum, golfers can be savage when talking to themselves.
Think of a recent frustrating round, which, for many of us, is the last time we played. Maybe you drove it poorly, or you frittered away strokes through bad decisions. The sense is you can always do better, which is why our inner monologue becomes a string of colorful insults.
What if you learned that’s making things worse?
Dr. Kristin Neff is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas and a leading authority on the concept of “self-compassion.” If that phrase makes you uncomfortable, I used to feel the same way. In sports especially, cutting ourselves slack when we stink feels like we’re saying we’re OK with it.
But Neff says this is the part people get wrong, because self-compassion is even more important for people driven to improve. Neff calls this “fierce self-compassion”—fierce because the goal is to still push you to be better, but with encouragement instead of shame. “Fierce self-compassion inspires us to try again,” she says.
Neff has likened this thinking to an inner coach who provides motivation and accurate feedback as opposed to one intent on dressing you down. One signals support and belief, the other fosters anxiety and doubt. In studies with high-level athletes, many carried the same preconception that speaking kindly to themselves will make them “soft.” But once instructed to change their tone, those same athletes reported they a better mindset to a better position to perform and were less inhibited by a fear of failure.
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“It’s done from a place of encouragement as opposed to, ‘if you don’t do it you’re a piece of crap.’” Neff said. “A coach that gives you that message is gonna create anxiety, which is actually gonna directly go counter to your ability to perform…Self compassion increases intrinsic motivation.”
The performance coach and author Brad Stulberg says we tend to think of motivation and kindness as diametrically opposed, as if you can’t be tough and empathetic at the same time. But Stulberg the most resilient performers are those who absorb disappointment and keep going.
“What you find is that they have extreme self-discipline. They are badasses amongst badasses, and they’ve also learned how to be kind to themselves,” Stulberg said as a guest on The Rich Roll podcast. “Because if you can’t be kind to yourself when you fail, then you’re never gonna have the sustainability of that self-discipline.”
The mindset Stulberg encourages is one of a “humble badass,” and it can extend to all types of golfer frustration. No one’s looking for you to be happy about the drive you just hit out of bounds. But when deciding between reassurance and ridicule, consider which one is going to help put the next ball in play.
For more on the mental game, check out my Mind Games video series. Have an idea you want me to explore, send me an email at [email protected].
This article was originally published on golfdigest.com
