Internet Invitational superlatives, Ep. 2: Big John’s Big Putt, SGK’s death wish and the actual worst hole ever played

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To be a YouTube golfer, or any YouTuber, for that matter, you must constantly remind your viewers that they’ve NEVER seen anything like this current video before. That THEY couldn’t even script this meticulously edited short film if they tried. That they DIDN’T think they could top the last thing they put out, but … wait for it … this new thing is somehow topping the last thing! It’s CRAZY how it works like that (insert thumbnail featuring multiple people with their mouths AGAPE).

Here’s the thing – Episode 2 of the second installment of the Internet Invitational, titled “The Greatest Video in YouTube Golf History,” might actually be the greatest video in YouTube Golf History. My mouth was agape on multipe occasions. They did top the last thing. It was crazy how that worked. They got me again.

Here were some of the best moments from a four-hour-plus episode of great moments, superlatives style.

RELATED: Internet Invitational Episode 1 Recap

Most Chaotic Moment

By it’s very nature, this whole shebang is complete chaos. A million matches going on at once. A million cameras and camera phones trying to capture all the action. Not sure who said it toward the end of the episode, but someone mentioned feeling bad for whoever has to edit this thing. I’d echo that sentiment. Four-plus hours of batshit crazyness.

But nothing quite tops the insanity of picking the two-man/woman teams for each match. The yelling, the Portnoy “veto” that he clearly made up on the fly to avoid “thrown” matches, the Karen-ing that goes on with some of the team leaders. This made me laugh:

Watching it all unfold, it became bewildering to me that there is not some sort of neutral arbiter who actually knows what they are talking about there to handle this stuff with this much money on the line. The thing is, it wouldn’t work in this setting. It has to be Portnoy ruling with an iron fist. It’s part of the charm. “The Barstool Difference,” as he calls it. As a golf guy, though, it’s maddening. Speaking of the rules . . .

The “He Still Don’t Gut It” Moment

Stealing this phrase from Portnoy, who uses it frequently on his most insane employee, Rico Bosco. One guy who still don’t gut it (translation: got it) is “Slope Boy” himself, Malosi Togisala, who infamously had the slope on his rangefinder during play at last year’s Invitational and got caught in a lie about it. Rather than spend the off-season learning the rule book back to front, he appeared to learn absolutely nothing judging by a moment when he and Luke Kwon we’re looking for a lost ball in some preposterously thick rough that was giving every single group problems on the par-5 11th. The grass was so thick they simply couldn’t find the ball. When the two self-appointed rules guys, former PGA Tour pro Kevin Kisner (knows the rules) and Dan “Big Cat” Katz (does not know the rules) arrived, Togisala wound up revealing that they did, in fact, find the ball. He should have left it at that. Instead, he stuck his foot in his mouth, asking Big Cat “the question is, if we didn’t find it, would it be a lost ball, [we] go back to the tee?” Without hesitation, Kiz and Big Cat responded simultaneously with “absolutely.” That’s, like, Day 1 of Rules School. My goodness.

The entire sequence that follows was quite eye-opening, too. There was some chatter about the length of time you’re allowed to look for a golf ball, which was reduced from five minutes to three minutes in 2019. Big John, one of Togisala’s opponents, drove to Grant Horvat in the group behind to ask if a player takes over two minutes to search for a ball, is that illegal? Kisner, overhearing, interjected with “it’s three minutes!” Horvat’s response? “Is three minutes the number?” Goodness gracious. These guys get paid to play golf for a living and don’t know simple stuff. It makes no sense and all the sense at the same time.

In fairness, the rules seem to be made up on the fly in this thing. Some get heavily enforced (one team was penalized for being late to the tee), some seem willy-nilly (drops for lost balls when there was no red stake to be found). At least Kisner was around for the most part to keep everyone in check. OK, that’s WAY too much rules talk. My apologies.

The Whiff/Fall Seen ‘Round The World

In a field of very few likable characters, Trent’s likability rating only increases. Especially when he finds himself in some tough spots like this one, leading to a whiff and fall they’ll talk about for centuries:

“I missed. I just missed it” * CARTOON FALL * “I just missed it.” Perfection. No embarrassment. No shame. Just owning it and being naturally funny as hell while doing it. Watching he and Jersey Jerry slap it around and have a day was a treat. This won’t be the last you hear of these two.

RELATED: 6 commonly misunderstood rules every golfer should know

Biggest Death Wish

This Short Game King character (SGK for short) made some news when he chirped muscle man Bobby Ray during the morning session and got Bobby Ray to crack. The internet seemed to firmly side with SGK, claiming Bobby Ray grossly overreacted. In watching SGK’s actions in Episode 2, it does seem like he runs his mouth quite a bit, though, as his partner Roger Steele pointed out, he can back it up with his clubs (to a point …).

For his afternoon match, SGK and Steele faced off with Horvat and Justin Gaethje, who, for the non-MMA crowd, is the current UFC lightweight champion. In other words, not a guy you want to mess with. Well, SGK did, claiming he was a casual UFC fan and saying his favorite fighter was Paddy “The Baddy” Pimblett. SGK had no idea that Gaethje literally “dogwalked that motherf—er” this past January. Just an incredible sequence here:

Gaethje took this in stride. Later in the match, SGK wasn’t done, saying that his team had the advantage on 18 because Steele was driving for them while Gaethje had to drive for the other team. Kid’s got stones, I’ll say that. This of course came back to bite him when he missed a knee-knocker to lose the match and was ruthlessly chirped by Portnoy. Cinema.

The Worst Hole Ever Won

If you have six free minutes, I suggest kicking back, maybe with a beer, and taking this in. It’s transfixing:

Whoever says they aren’t interested in watching terrible golf has never seen anything quited like this. As a side note, I once caddied in a member-member match play tournament back in the day where a 9 beat a 10 on the final hole. I still think about it to this day. The beauty of golf in a situation like this is that you still have to get the ball in the hole by any means necessary, and you can walk off a winner despite playing the worst hole of all time. Special stuff.

Best Jump Cut

The worst hole ever played took quite some time, clearly. That led to an equally hilarious moment later in the episode when Big John pointed out there was a big backup on a hole late in their match. Hmm, wonder why …

Long live The Duke.

Worst Energy Shift

With an all-time battle brewing between the Blue team and the White team, each key match coming down to the wire, the suspense reached an all-time high with the Frankie/Francis vs. Gruden/Bobby Ray match. Just as that one was about to head to 17 and 18, with Portnoy firmly in Frankie’s ear and members of the Blue team trying to run interference, the video cuts back to the Red vs. Green matches, which was like hitting pause before the shootout sequence in “Heat” and putting on “The Shape of Water.” Snoooooooze. Big Cat called this out later in the video, saying “Red and Green didn’t have it today.” No, no they did not.

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Best Shot

There were some big-time, clutch shots late in these matches, a number of them hit by Jon Gruden. But there could only be one winner in this category – Big John’s Big Putt. The sealer. Right in Portnoy’s grill. Apparently there was some pre-existing beef where Portnoy wanted no part of Big John in this event, but he managed to find a way in. To then produce what could go down as the moment of the event, with Portnoy praying it went the other way, is life-changing stuff (LANGUAGE WARNING):

This article was originally published on golfdigest.com