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Let’s level: This is the kind of question that is intriguing only for a very small subset of human beings, but if you found this on Golf Digest, you MAY be one of those human beings. It popped into my head the other day, and I’m not even sure why – I wasn’t doing either thing at the time – but if it’s true that the average man thinks about sex 19 times a day, and a golf obsessive thinks about golf roughly 6,000 times per day, it was probably inevitable that at some point the two would overlap and this question would pop up in my brain.
Now, let’s define the question, because I know a lot of you are already looking for loopholes. First, on the golf front, this means absolutely no golf. No putting on a mat at home, no watching it on TV, and obviously nothing on the course. As far as “sex,” we’re not talking intercourse only; it means all sexual activity, with another person(s) or, uhhh, otherwise. Enough said there; I am not writing in Sex Digest, and I don’t want my editors to kill me. (I just googled “Sex Digest,” and I’m pretty sure no such publication exists … feels like a huge missed opportunity … how are the poly nerds not all over this?)
Like I said, 99 percent of people on this planet would consider this an incredibly easy question (and wonder what the hell is wrong with anyone choosing golf), but I know there are some of you out there really agonising right now. And there are probably a few who aren’t agonising, and who would pick golf without hesitation, regardless of what they might tell their wives or husbands.
There are, of course, a few tactical considerations if you were ever forced to make this choice. For one thing, the vagaries of the body could take either of these from you at any moment. The older we get, the more likely it is that fate will snap its fingers and instantly end our golf or sex careers (especially for men). That would suck, but the ultimate kick in the nuts in this hypothetical would be to choose one and then have nature to deprive you of the other. So think carefully about what’s going to last longer: the back and the knees, or whatever combination of glands and chemicals control things down there.
After I thought about this for a while, I went to the internet, because surely somebody had asked this question before. And they had, kinda. There’s a Reddit thread from a year ago asking which one is better, and it’s mostly useful for the top comments, almost all of which are hilariously self-deprecating. A smattering of my favourites:
“I have trouble getting it up either way.”
“Why disappoint a woman when I can just disappoint myself?”
“It can depend on your partner, in both cases.”
“Sex is going horribly wrong for you if something as soul-crushing and emotionally painful as golf can be is a more enjoyable experience.”
“I enjoy both. After years of practice I’m not good at either. I have resigned myself to watching others do it properly.”
“Post [sex] clarity: get me out of here. Post round clarity: Wonder if I can squeeze in another 9.”
There’s not much in the way of scientific data here. The only thing I could find was a Golf Monthly poll where 32% of readers said they would give up sex forever in lieu of golf. To sex’s credit, it was the only question that beat golf head to head. A majority of respondents would have said goodbye forever to Christmas, birthdays, watching golf on TV, vacations, and eating meat. All of which makes sense; the older you get, the less holidays matter, playing golf itself is a mini-vacation every day, giving up meat would actually be great for you, and playing golf is way better than watching. Would it be tough to explain to my wife and kids that we no longer travel and that Christmas is off because I wouldn’t give up golf? Sure. But these are the kinds of sacrifices I’m willing to make.
None of them, though, come close to giving up sex. You can tell this is a good hypothetical for the golf-sick among us because at some point in your deliberation, you will think “you know what, maybe it’s better to just die.” Maybe if the choices are a life without golf or sex, maybe that’s a hard pass … maybe we just say it’s been a good run and take a gamble on the afterlife.
I’m just kidding about this, but it shows the question isn’t really about golf or sex, but about getting older. And that might be why it’s so intriguing. I’m 42 and have been lucky to avoid physical maladies to date, but judging by reports from 100% of the older people in my life, things are not far from going haywire. I’m slowly entering the “hold on and pray” portion of my life, the plot armour that protected me in my 20s and 30s is in tatters, and at the very best the future seems to entail a lot of compromise with yourself; how do you cope with whatever you’re going to lose?
I know I sound like I’m about 90 years old, but screw it, once in a while you have to glimpse the old man mindset to gird yourself for what’s coming. “Golf or sex?” is not something I truly have to consider right now, but maybe contemplating it in the abstract will give me that minuscule bit of preparation for the time when this question, or others like it, are answered for me.
