WATCH: I hate that I am riveted by Bryson DeChambeau’s tiny cup ping pong challenge

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There is a part of me that hates myself for writing this. Living in the eye of the content storm as I do – well, as all of us with phones and computers do – there can be a deep sense of self-loathing attached to the universe of grabby videos.

We hate the system, we hate the thirsty monsters who make the content, but most of all we hate ourselves for our pathetic weakness; for failing to look away. There are many late nights, after my family is asleep, when I’m rotting on my couch watching the same loop of comedians, break dancers and people who jump from high rocks wishing some hero would nuclear bomb the internet and force us to talk to a stranger or remember what a tree looks like.

I think younger people may not feel this way, because they’ve been reared in this godforsaken world and don’t know any better, but if you’re middle aged like me and can remember a time of relative freedom, you will wake up some mornings and feel that the irresistible smartphone on the bedside table is actual purgatory – a curse from the divine.

DARK? IS THIS TOO DARK FOR A GOLF ARTICLE? Sorry, but I feel this is needed context, because I’m about to promote a piece of content specifically designed to go viral – I’m a little circus seal, gulping down the handler’s fish – and I want everyone to know that I do so while recognising my chains.

But here’s the thing: Bryson DeChambeau is trying to hit an orange ping pong ball from a rug on the floor of what I presume is his house, over a railing onto a second-floor hallway, and into a tiny red solo cup surrounded by a yellow square that deflects the balls away. And by God, brothers and sisters, it is tremendous content.

Watch his latest attempt, if you don’t believe me, and just try to resist:

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I deserve to be super glued to an active railroad track for writing the following words, but there comes a moment each day now when I catch myself thinking, “I wonder if Bryson has posted the latest ping pong video?”

It’s so #*&$ing good.

Why? Well, part of it is that I’m not even sure it’s possible for him to make the shot. Genuinely, I think he might do this forever. I spoke of purgatory above, but I can see a world where Bryson is 83 years old, suffering from some disease you get when you mainline protein powder for too long, still dragging himself to that rug to hit those ping pong balls with a wedge. He gets 10 more shots each day – 30 shots on day 3, 80 shots on day 8, etc. – so by then he’d have roughly 200,000 shots to attempt each day, and he might be too weak to elevate the ball above the railing, but he’d still have to try, because once you make a pact with the internet, only death can release you.

At the start of each video, he drops the ball into the cup to demonstrate that it is technically possible, but on some days – specifically Days 3 and 8 – the ball has rattled out, even though he’s hovering like a foot above the cup. (“It barely fits,” he said, in the first of many comments to which you could deploy the old “that’s what she said!” gag, right up through Day 10 when he said, “I’ve done too many things to that hole.”)

I’m not sure if the ball is too large or the cup is too small – I’ll let the philosophers sort that one out – but the task he has set himself is enormous. I am of the belief that he may cost himself friendships, love and family in pursuit of this Ahab-ian task. And at this point, I hope he does. I hope this is his life now, forever.

However, I have some theories about how this could work. (And again, I want to emphasise that as the price of thinking about a #$#%ing ping pong challenge so deeply, my wife should take the kids and leave me, because there simply have to be better men out there.)

1. Even though there is technically enough room between the railing and the cup for him to hole it on the fly, I think the fit is so tight that it’s not truly possible at that velocity. On Day 10, the “closest” shot came in this sort of “on the fly” attempt highlighted at the start of the video, but it rimmed out, and I’m of the belief that it’s always going to rim out. It’s like trying to make a shot in basketball with a ball that’s a quarter inch less in circumference than the rim, you’re never going to make a three-pointer. You’ll have to get close, loft it up, and let it rattle home.

2. Similarly, the shots thus far that have been actually the closest are the ones that bounce around a bit and then trickle towards the cup. It’s going to be something completely lucky, like the last shot on Day 1 that took a fluke hop and almost went down:

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If I had to bet real money, I’d even wager that the winning shot, should it ever come, will bounce off the glass part of the railing and rebound very slowly into the zone (we saw that on Day 10).

My fascination with this monomaniacal quest has reached the point where I’ve begun asking questions only tangentially related to the challenge – why is the guy filming wearing a ski mask? Is he the dumbest dude in witness protection? Does Bryson actually play that piano? Is he eccentric enough to hire someone to come play it during the day like at a fancy hotel?

The fact that these thoughts have crossed my mind only further convinces me that this is one of the greatest pieces of intentional viral golf content ever, and also that my parents should disown me in a tearful segment on The Today Show.

Then again, maybe in 2025 all we have a right to hope for is a good distraction here and there. And I’ll tip my cap to Bryson – the son of a gun has given us something fun to look at, and I hope it lasts for decades, until we’re all inert masses being fed intravenously like the human blobs on Wall-E, using the last of our jello brains to pray for that #!$&*$# ball to go in the #*$@&$ cup.