Prior to last Thursday, we’d never heard of Troy Hawke, and we’d imagine many of you reading this were in a similar boat. After watching the man in action at the Genesis Scottish Open, that would appear to be a gross oversight on our part.

Hawke, whose real name is Milo McCabe, is a stand-up character comedian who apparently specialises in… wait for it… greeting people. But this is no ordinary greeter at your local Bunnings. This is a greeter who can sum up a man’s entire existence with one hilarious line on command.

RELATED: Watch Donald Trump hit an absolutely brutal shank

Case in point, this video from the Genesis Scottish Open at the Renaissance Club, where Hawke welcomed players last week with some of the funniest and most random characterisations you’ll ever hear. Hawke starts by calling Viktor Hovland a “flaming skillet of sporting prowess”, and his greetings only got better from there. Enjoy:

As you can see, much like us, just about every single player who Hawke greeted has zero clue who he is. But he quickly made his presence known with some of these greetings, like calling Tyrrell Hatton “the naughty Hemsworth”, which feels like a compliment even though Tyrrell didn’t seem to take it as one:

It should come as a shock to no one that Hatton is the type of dude who is not ready to deal with any of this s–t until he’s had his morning coffee.

RELATED: Rickie Fowler continues incredible hot streak, buys childhood range where his dad worked

Other than Hovland, nobody took it in stride quite like Matthew Fitzpatrick, who Hawke described as a man with an “admirable Northern grit, but you slink like [David] Bowie”. Perfect:

We could continue listing all of our favourites, but you might as well just scroll up and watch it again yourself. It’s that good. Worth it for Hawke telling Garrick Higgo that his short shorts are “putting in a wonderful shift” alone. We’d love to fully tip our cap to the PGA Tour on this one, but, knowing what we know, this has the DP World Tour’s social-media fingerprints all over it. Good job by all, except for whoever edited the video and cut out whatever Marcus “The Bullet” Armitage was about to say at the 1:53 mark. You need to let that man cook any chance you get.