Stupid Golf Problems: If you have to ask, then no, it does not count

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On Monday evening, former U.S. Amateur runner-up Neal Shipley made the first ever hole-in-one in TGL history. This combines two of my least favorite things our great sport has to offer: hitting balls into a screen and hole-in-one debates.

Here’s my old school, no B.S., potentially very unpopular take on this matter – if you have to ask whether a hole-in-one “counts” or not, then it doesn’t count. And before you ask, no, I’ve never made a hole-in-one. Not on a simulator, not on a par-3 course and not even in my dreams. You may think that makes me unqualified to speak on this matter. I’d argue I’m more qualified than anyone, because I know when my day comes it will have happened The Right Way (TM). It will be an ethical ace.

RELATED: Stupid Golf Problems: Should a birdie putt ever be considered ‘good’?

So, what makes a hole-in-one count? For starters, it has to happen outside. In the real world. I feel this is a very fair stipulation. Sorry, Neal, but it’s going to be a no from me, dawg:

Notice Shipley’s use of the phrase “I think so…” Says it all, doesn’t it? Do you think it was an ace or was it an ace? I rest my case.

In addition to the ace having to happen in the great outdoors, I have some other perfectly reasonable, in my opinion, core tenets to live by on the hole-in-one front, core tenets we should all strive to adhere to, thus avoiding anarchy.

TENET 1

Your hole-in-one must come during an 18-hole round, score posted afterward

Probably controversial, as we all love to sneak out for 9 holes (or 12, or 6, or 3) from time to time (and you are allowed to post 9-hole scores now), but I’m sorry, it’s got to be a real deal round for it to count. Depending on when it happens, a hole-in-one serves as a very important inflection point in a full round. Was nothing going right and your day was completely saved by a 1 on the card? Were you already playing great and now you’re in “career low” territory? How did you respond after? What took place before? What did you end up shooting? If your answer to that question is “oh, I only played five holes after work,” it kind of spoils things. Of course, you did still put the ball in the hole in one shot, which is commendable and something you absolutely should remember forever. But if it came in an abbreviated round, there is a major asterisk.

TENET 2

It must come on a legitimate USGA-rated golf course

Simulators? Out. Par-3 courses? Out. Temp green? Temp tee? Out and out. Mini golf courses? Grow up, Peter Pan. Real golf course. Par 3s, Par 4s and Par 5s. Bunkers, trees, rough, penalty areas, multiple sets of tee boxes, etc. I honestly don’t think this is asking much. Your sim aces and par-3 course aces are consolation prizes. They are the Golden Globes of holes-in-one. My eventual first hole-in-one will be an Oscar-winning performance.

TENET 3

There must be at least one witness

This is the one I’m very nervous to put out in the ether, because I have played and will continue to play a LOT of solo golf in my life, and my biggest nightmare is my first uno coming alone with nary a squirrel in sight to celebrate with. Or to confirm the occurrence. I only know one person who has made one while playing alone, and it was our head social media man Will Irwin, who just so happened to pull out his phone and hit record to capture his on film. If you don’t have a witness, video proof is the next-best thing. Preferably it happens with three of your close buddies or family members you can celebrate with afterward, but if it’s just you and one random, that’s fine, too. My promise to everyone reading is that if I do make one alone, with no cameras on, I will never tell a soul. I will take it to my grave. I must stand for something.

That’s it. Three very simple tenets, plus the outdoors one which should go without saying, that will somehow still make everyone who made a virtual ace on the seventh at Pebble Beach or an ace on the longest par 3 (88 yards) at their local par-3 track very angry. I’m sure those are great stories and I’d love to hear about them, but they aren’t real. Take it from my dad, who I have to live vicariously through when it comes to holes-in-one. Any time the topic comes up, he has three stories to tell. The first story is of his first and ONLY hole-in-one, which came long before I was born on the par-3 15th hole at North Jersey Country Club in Wayne, N.J. A 7-iron from 152 yards. He still has the newspaper clipping, which apparently was a thing back then. I guess you just called the newspaper and said you made an ace? What a preposterous time to be alive.

Story No. 2 is of his hole-in-THREE on the par-3 eighth at Bowling Green Golf Course, where he hit his first in the water and then the next one in. An arguably more impressive and rarer feat (shoutout, Fred Couples), but one that unfortunately is not cause for a big celebration.

His final story was one I was there for. He made a hole-in-one on the old Pebble Beach Par-3 Course, pre Tiger Woods redesign. I forget the hole, but I remember the ball hitting a tree about 10 yards right of the green, ricocheting onto the putting surface and rolling in. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was the gimmick ace of all gimmick aces, and he knows that.

And hey, it’s perfectly fine to have a gimmick ace or two so long as you frame it as a gimmick ace. But my dad doesn’t go around saying “I have three holes-in-one.” He goes around telling people he has one real hole-in-one and two Looney Tunes holes-in-one. I’m not saying you can’t cherish your own Looney Tunes aces or you can’t tell anyone about them. It’s a free country. Let people enjoy things. Yada, yada. But, again, if you have to ask if it counts and make a bunch of concessions, then it probably does not count. Let’s Make Holes-in-One Real Again.

Do you have a “stupid” golf problem? A question you’re too ashamed to ask your close friends? A conundrum that needs to be talked out in a public forum? We’re here to help. If you have etiquette-related inquiries or just want to know how to handle some of the unique on- or off-course situations we all find ourselves in, please let us know. You can email me ([email protected]) or send me a DM on Twitter/X (@Cpowers14) or on Instagram (@cpthreeve).

This article was originally published on golfdigest.com