AUGUSTA, Ga. — The 2024 Masters is nearly here and people are talking. Oh, people are talking. And once again, we are listening to the patrons at Augusta National. Here are some of the best things we overheard in the gallery on the eve of the 2023 Masters.

“This is a monster-ass hole. Is this a par 5?!” No, No. 10 is a par 4, but he has a point.

“Hang on, I gotta wipe up the beer I spilled. This grass is too perfect.” He also has a point.

“You should try swinging like that.” One guy to his buddy after witnessing Xander Schauffele pipe a perfect drive off the 10th tee. If only it were that easy . . .

“Hey, there, I’m Phil Jackson.” My head whipped around in excitement, but, alas, it was not that Phil Jackson.

“If you don’t have a million in the bank, you’re not a member here.” Buddy, a lot of green jackets probably have that much lying around their houses.

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“Oh, I remember this hole (No. 12) now. This is where Tiger had his famous chip-in.” Based on her not realizing she was looking at a par 3 at first, I can assure you she wasn’t referring to Tiger chipping in here in 1997. Speaking of Tiger . . .

“TIGER’S HERE! TIGER’S HERE! OH MY GOD! TIGER’S HERE!” Yes, Tiger Woods was there on the practice putting green.

“OK, I think he’s warmed up with that one,” after Woods made about 20 conseutive four-foot putts on the other side of the green. “Tiger, wanna try this hole over here?” Tiger did not oblige.

J.D. Cuban

“This is called Augusta Corner. It’s the most famous, um, corner of the course.” So close!

“Look at that line! Those people waste their whole days waiting.” The merch lines here are longer than at Disney World, but no judgement.

“Wait, they had that shirt in charcoal?” Sounds like someone is getting back in that line.

“I still made $150,000 on the deal.” A reminder that the patrons at Augusta National also have some money. Must be nice.

“Just put it in a trust fund that he can’t touch for 20 years.” Not the same person, but also must be nice.

“Man, I wish the tournament was starting today. I am so INVESTED.” Sounds like a man with a few wagers. You and me, too, pal.

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“After this, we’re going to zip over to the phones to let her know what’s what. Augusta National has something called a PHONE BANK so fans can make phone calls.” One mom to a very confused kid about to witness something that has essentially become a museum exhibit.

“Do we even have a clock? I mean, what freaking time is it?!” No clue, but when in doubt, it’s always time to get another Georgia peach ice cream sandwich.


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