AUGUSTA, Ga. — As a colleague earlier this week put it, every time you come to Augusta National you have to approach it like it might be your last. Enjoy yourself and appreciate the experience. That seems to be how patrons approached Thursday at Augusta National. Wet weather in the early morning cleared way for a glorious, sunny day.

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We were mostly camped out at Amen Corner—listening to the ridiculous things that patrons uttered while experiencing the year’s first major. We hope you enjoy their commentary as much as we did.


One patron: “This is just a bastion of 1 percenters.”

His friend: “Over/under on the number of billionaires here this week. I’ll say like 16.5.”

“Bro, do you know how much money a billion is?”

“Actually, definitely not. I’ll never know.”

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Man up against the grandstands as Phil Mickelson walked to the 12th tee: “Y’all are cheering for a degenerate gambler! Get in the water!”

Two geese appeared, sitting above the water in between the putting surface and the creek. “I bet he owes them money, too.”


Supervisor outside the bathroom as patrons zigged and zagged through the line (never stopping): “We’ve been improving this tournament since 1934, folks.

“Imagine the federal government was run like this.”

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A patron as Rickie Fowler and his caddie Ricky Romano studying their yardage book while lining up a shot against the gallery ropes on 11 as the wind blew: “Honestly, I think the hardest thing about his job would be making sure those little pieces of paper didn’t fly around everywhere.”

His friend: “You’re such a moron. That would literally be the easiest part of the job. You would be awful.”


Female patron to group of friends: “Honestly I never really drink during the week. Then I’ll always binge on the weekend.”

She continues: “But if I go out to eat during the week, that doesn’t count.”

Her friend: “So what does this count as?”

“I don’t know. Don’t ask me tough questions.”


Patron walking up 10 fairway: “You guys didn’t really tell me how uphill this place is.”

His friend: “If you did one lick of research before we came, you would’ve found out pretty quick.”

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Matt Fitzpatrick walked past a group of frat boys. “Bro, did you watch Full Swing? Can you believe Fitz pulled his chick?”

His friend: “Money can make anybody cool.”


Golf pro to his friend: “It was great. A member of mine flew me down here on his private jet. I asked him how much it cost … $150,000. I stopped asking questions.”


A group of patrons just entering the grounds: “Would you recognize Rory or Mickelson if you saw them?”

One young female patron: “Phil definitely. Rory, I’d doubt it.” Her friend: “How about Scottie Scheffler?”

“I don’t know. Is he playing this week?”

Two buddies just look at each other: “This is the last year she’s coming with us.”


Guy to two kid volunteers off duty: “How’d you guys get a job here?” “I told them I could stock shelves and line up hats.”

The guy: “Do you guys get to play the course?”

“Nope, I’d work for no money if I could play here just once a year.”

The guy: “I get that man.”

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Very buzzed patron to his friend: “Is it me or does Phil just always look zapped out of his mind?”

His friend: “Yeah you know it. He just got hundreds of millions of dollars. He definitely is. All the time.”

“I would do whatever I wanted with that kind of money. It’d be like what we’re doing today but every dang day.”


Patron to his friend: “I mean, I’m friends with him and all. But it’s getting bad. I’m not his wife, but I know he doesn’t have the money for that.”

Followed by long silence.


Patron: “I read a pretty cool article. I’d be lying if I said I actually read it. But the headline basically said: ‘The solar eclipse cost the economy about $7 million or billion,’ can’t remember which, with people leaving work and going home early. Isn’t that crazy?”

Her friend: “Well how about days like this? You have executives and important people from all industries out here with no phones and no connectivity. We’re costing the economy millions right now.”


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